Caregiving is hard on caregivers

No one plans to take care of a parent.

We should, but we don’t. We save money for our own retirement, we think about kids cars, weddings and the like... Many think about staying at home while their children are young... but no one makes plans to do this.

There are many stages of adult caregiving. It has been said that taking care of children is a cakewalk in comparison to taking care of an adult. I believe that is true. With an adult you must try to help them maintain their dignity in addition to caring for them. That is no easy task. Many are just downright scared of the future. Freedom to do what they want, when they want, lessens. They can’t think as fast or clearly as they used to. They aren’t as mobile as they used to be. Granted, this may happen over the course of many years. However, at some point, someone else makes the decisions they used to make. Making decisions can be a frustrating experience.

Typically, when a parent grows frail, one sibling gravitates toward the role of primary caregiver and takes on the majority of the work. This person may be closest to the parent geographically or emotionally. Typically "she" may be the one who always takes charge, the one with the most time to give or the one who typically takes care of others. However the role is established, it can make everyone in the family uncomfortable. The primary caregiver may feel that she is doing too much while other family members may feel shut out.

What Does a Primary Caregiver do?
EVERYTHING another individual needs to live, ultimately. It may start because you want to help your parent get to a doctor, organize their medicine, fix meals or just go shopping.
1. Provide transportation - At some point, many seniors stop driving. This is very difficult for them because it is a form of freedom -- to be able to go when and where you want. Now they begin to rely on friends and family to take them where they need to go.
2. Provide emotional support - Mine started because my mom was her husband’s primary caregiver. She gave until her body quit on her. It was at that time that I took over. He was moved to a nursing home.
3. Arrange to have house/yard taken care of
4. Pay bills, taxes, etc.
5. Hire sitters (paid caregivers) and oversee them
6. Medical situations (medicine, trips to hospital, meeting with doctors)

There is nothing easy about being a caregiver and the road back from burnout is long. Once upon a time I was a primary caregiver for my mother. Like all of the books will say, no one in my family would take the initial reponsibility for her decline... so I had to help her. She asked me to. It wreaked havoc upon my family and my business which I ultimately had to close after 18 years. I enjoyed being close to her but the downside was it ate away at my health - physical and emotional. And, years later I have am just starting to recover emotionally.

Caregiving Costs

When you think about costs, you might think about actual expenses. However, that is only one type of cost. If a family member is the primary caregiver, the burden can hurt their finances and career. Though the initial thought may be to think of the immediate loss of wages, the true losses will be felt in the years to come as they . One creative way for siblings to try to offset this is to offer to pay the Caregiver each month. There is no way this person will ever make-up the loss they will incur financially during this time but this idea might help them through it so they can plan for what will occur when they are no longer in the caregiving role. This 'sibling idea' is in addition to anything that the estate or parent would help the Caregiver with. Thoughts?